Building a Strong Foundation: Practical Tips for Preparing for Marriage
Building a Strong Foundation: Practical Tips for Preparing for Marriage
Have you ever noticed how much time, money, and effort we invest in pursuing our desired careers? It's almost expected in today's society. Dr. Gary Chapman highlights an interesting point – we often spend more time preparing for our careers than we do for marriage. In his book, he bluntly states, “Therefore, it should not be surprising that they are more successful in their vocational pursuits than they are in reaching the goal of marital happiness (Chapman, 2010, p.10).” This observation offers hope amidst the daunting divorce statistics. By investing in our marriages and adequately preparing for them, we can significantly increase the chances of success and happiness.
Being Practical
When considering marriage, there are three critical areas that couples need to address: shared meaning, conflict resolution, and logistical planning. While this list isn't exhaustive, it provides a solid starting point.
Shared Meaning
Marriage involves creating a life together, making it essential to discuss key topics where alignment is crucial:
- Spiritual: Discuss your spiritual backgrounds and the importance of spirituality in your lives. Consider how you want to raise any future children in terms of spirituality.
- Meaning of Marriage: Define what marriage means to each of you and discuss your expectations regarding marital roles.
- Sexuality: Openly communicate about your views on sex and frequency preferences.
- Children: Explore your desires regarding having children and how you envision raising them.
- Long-term Goals: Share your dreams and non-negotiables for the future.
Conflict Resolution
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it can be an opportunity for growth if handled constructively:
- Avoid the "Four Horsemen" – contempt, stonewalling, criticism, and defensiveness – identified by the Gottman Institute as destructive to relationships.
- Adopt a mindset of "us-ness" instead of focusing on winning individually. Prioritize the health of the relationship over individual victories.
Logistical Planning
Address the practical aspects of daily life together:
- Finances: Discuss how you will manage money, including budgeting, savings, and joint or separate accounts.
- Household Chores: Allocate responsibilities for daily tasks and chores.
- Involvement of Outside Families: Determine the role your families will play in your marriage, including holiday plans and communication boundaries.
Further Planning for Success
Remember, you don't have to navigate these discussions alone. Seeking premarital counseling can help you address these areas and more. Here are some recommended resources to aid in your preparation:
Books:
- Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
- US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- The Marriage Journal by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff
Mobile Apps:
- Gottman Carddecks
- Lovewick
Games:
- Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel
- The Adventure Challenge, Couples Edition
Podcasts:
- Small Things Often by the Gottman Institute
- Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
