Creating Boundaries In 3 Steps
We’ve all been there. Someone makes a cutting remark. Or does something hurt you? Whether they intended to injure you or not, it doesn’t feel good. Especially if it’s someone close to you, like a family member, friend, or partner.
(By the way, if you want to transform your relationship, start getting serious about boundaries. For reals.)
Obviously, you don’t want this to happen again, especially if the other’s behavior is part of a broader pattern. And so often, those closest to us do hurt us. After all, love requires vulnerability.
So what do you do?
Why We Struggle with Creating Boundaries
Many of us struggle with creating personal boundaries that lovingly communicate what we are not willing to accept. When we set boundaries with others, many of us feel like we’re being jerks.
Usually, we feel guilty or that we’re being unkind because creating boundaries goes against what we feel we “ought” to do.
Setting boundaries is not something that many families do growing up, and so many people learn that holding to one’s boundaries is rude, selfish, or unkind.
We’re supposed to be “nice” when what we’re really doing in being silent is allowing others to mistreat us, which creates resentment in us.
Instead, we can create boundaries.
A Word on Boundaries
Before we dive into how to create a boundary, let’s talk about what they are. Boundaries are simply what we are and are not willing to accept about how others treat us.
Boundaries usually have to do with talking, listening, or behaviors. That is, we may have boundaries on what we allow others to say to us, about how we want to be heard, or about what others do to us. Makes sense, right?
But here’s the deal. Again, many of us grew up in families that had very loose boundaries or none at all. As adults, our “emotional programming” says that practicing good boundaries is selfish or bad somehow. Many of my clients who start using boundaries tell me that they feel guilty.
Do you feel guilty when you think about practicing boundaries? Good. That guilt is a good thing. It means that you’re doing something that you’re not used to doing, that you’re doing something to counter your “emotional programming” (which is based on behavioral and emotional patterns we learned in childhood).
And that means you’re growing. Cool, huh?
Creating Boundaries, Step 1: Raise Consciousness
When someone says something hurtful to you or that you experience it as hurtful (notice that intent has nothing to do with how you experience something, more on that in a moment), the first step is to raise consciousness. Both yours and the other person’s.
You’re raising your consciousness because your first reaction is probably going to be to get defensive somehow. Defensiveness of any kind is almost always a recipe for poor communication, as it is an unconscious reaction.
Defensiveness is not going to invite the response that you’re after. When someone yells at you or blames you, for instance, what’s your natural reaction? Right. You want to defend yourself back.
So when we’re defensive, we tend to get caught up with the other in unconscious reactions that feed off each other, creating a vicious cycle.
Instead, raise your consciousness by using a question that invites the listener to higher awareness as well. Here’s the key question:
What was your intent in sharing that with me? What was your goal in doing that?
This question is magic. It asks the speaker to pause, consider the intent of their statement, and share it with you.
That pause creates a moment of critical self-reflection in the listener and gives you an opportunity to further understand what the other’s motives might be.
Creating Boundaries, Step 2: Sharing Feedback
After the first step, during which you’ve heard the speaker, it’s now your turn to ask them to hear you out. So, try asking,
Are you open to hearing about my experience of that?
If the other says no, then follow up by asking why not. But usually, the other person will say yes. That’s when you can share your honest experience of that person’s statement or behavior.
It’s important that when you do this, you talk about your own experience, and that’s it. Don’t talk about them other than to comment on the behavior.
After all, they can’t argue with your experience. You’re entitled to your own thoughts and feelings.
Here are some examples:
“In my experience, when others give unsolicited advice about personal matters, I feel it’s disrespectful and sometimes intrusive.”
“When you choose to watch porn, I feel devalued sexually.”
“I felt angry and hurt when I learned that you had lied. I feel less hopeful that I’ll be able to trust you again.”
“I can understand your decision to drink, but when you do, I become anxious about your ability to parent our children and be fully present as a father.”
Creating Boundaries, Step 3: State Your Condition
I was a philosophy major in college. I know, I know. Super practical, right? Well, maybe more than you might think.
It was in my logic class that I first learned about if-then statements. If A, then B. Simple, huh?
Turns out that boundaries are really just conditional statements that define what we want and what the other person can do to create that. If you want A, then you’ll get B.
For instance:
“If you want a loving relationship with me, I’d ask you never to do that again.”
“In the future, if you’d like to be with me, I’d prefer that you no longer watch porn.”
“Because I value honesty and trust in a relationship, I need you to tell me the truth moving forward.”
“I can see that you’re choosing to drink, so if you’re going to do that, I’m going to go out and see a movie. I’ll be back later.”
“If you want me to trust you again, I’m needing you to give me weekly updates about your recovery during check-in meetings. I’d like you to schedule and initiate these meetings.”
Now, read these examples carefully. Many people object to using boundaries, balking that they are controlling. But that’s not the case.
When we create boundaries, we’re giving the other person a choice. If you want A with me, then you’ll B. But they’re free to choose whether or not they will abide by this. But if they don’t, then guess what? That’s their choice. They just won’t get what honoring your boundary would have yielded them.
If the other person chooses not to honor your boundary, then you’ll need to make a choice about what to do to honor yourself. The second you compromise on your boundary, you’ll be allowing someone to devalue, disrespect, or in some other way mistreat you.
And that’s not loving yourself.
So, you might need to follow up with the other person by saying something more about what will happen if they choose not to honor your boundary: “If you choose to continue doing _________, then I’ll need to ___________.”
Nothing controlling about that, right?
About The Author
Jeremy Mast is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and the founder and director of the Center for Integrative Change. He is passionate about helping those struggling with substance use and problematic sexual behaviors and their loved ones find lasting healing. In his spare time, he enjoys reading, rock climbing, health and fitness, and trying out new recipes while cooking at home.