Defending From What?
Defending From What?
“You are getting defensive”, “I feel defensive”, “Stop being so defensive”. These phrases are not uncommon when it comes to couples therapy. Whether it is a feeling of defense felt within one person, a perceived defense observed in the other person, or a combination of both, defenses and conversation surrounding defensiveness is part of what moves couples to seek out help. As a caveat, if there is physical threat and harm to one’s being then safety should be sought immediately. However, this conversation is going to focus more on what might be described as psychological or emotional defenses which arise in the midst of conflict and contribute to couples feeling stuck in cycles of distress. Think about moments when you feel most defensive, acknowledge to yourself, “In x,y,z moments I start defending” and then ask yourself, “Defending from what?” Some answers you come up with might be along the lines of:
I’m not good enough for this relationship
I’ve failed my partner again
If my partner sees past my defenses they will certainly reject my true self
No matter what I do I feel like I always fall short
It is important to acknowledge and give voice to the stories which arise out of conflict and evoke our defenses. However, slow that process down a bit. Take a moment to acknowledge that these are stories that are there and can be revisited, and see if you can’t turn your attention to other possible narratives that might be worth exploring. As an example, some alternative narratives might be something along the lines of:
My partner feels hurt and is in need of comfort
There are ways in which I can grow in understanding my partner’s needs more
I have the ability to invite that which I am wanting in the relationship
I know this argument or disagreement is temporary and therefore my dignity, pride, and sense or self-worth does not need to be attached to the state of this relationship.
What you are doing through exploring alternative narratives is both validating and testing the often shame inducing stories that our nervous systems tell us when conflict arises in our relationships. Those defenses are likely there for good reason. Maybe the defenses helped you or your partner earlier on in life when there wasn’t access to real comfort and secure connection with those that should have been there in those ways. The good news is that you both have the opportunity to offer that to one another now. Validate why the defenses might be there in light of your or your partner’s upbringing, see how those same defenses and narratives are showing up in the relationship, and explore other potential narratives that might be more compassionate, loving, and understanding toward self and others.
If you feel that you and your partner need a little bit of help getting out of defensive patterns we are here to help. Otherwise, slow down the defenses, keep reflecting on and validating why those defenses might be there in light of your and your partner’s life context, and be kind to one another.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
