I Just Found Out my Partner is a Sex Addict. What Now?
I Just Found Out my Partner is a Sex Addict. What Now?
In a matter of moments, it feels as if your reality has been shattered. Maybe you have never even heard of sex addiction before. Most people haven’t! Likely, you immediately turned to google only to be bombarded with so much information. In fact, some people are saying that sex addiction isn’t even real. How do you know what to believe? What are your next steps? Will you ever recover from this? As an Associate Partner Trauma Therapist specializing in partner betrayal, here are my top next-step recommendations of dos and don’ts.
DON’T Neglect Your Own Healing
No matter if you eventually decide to stay or leave the relationship, you need to prioritize your own healing. These types of betrayals don’t just “go away” with time. Time may feel like it is making things better, but all you are doing is trying to avoid this horrific and hurtful occurrence. Unfortunately, avoiding doesn’t work forever and you can expect your trauma to manifest itself either in future relationships, in your mental health, or even in your physical body.
DO Find a Certified Partner Trauma Therapist (CPTT) or The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) Certified Therapist
The betrayal that results from finding out your partner is a sex addict is complex, meaning it has many layers to it and it also affects many different areas of your life. This is why it is important to get into therapy with someone who is trained and knowledgeable in betrayal trauma. If you are currently seeing an individual therapist, you don’t necessarily have to stop seeing them to see someone else, but you do need to ask them if they are comfortable with or have experience with situations such as this. If not, it may be best to elicit the help of a specialized therapist. If you are not currently in individual therapy, visit these links to find a therapist who can help you:
CPTT Directory: https://iitap.com/search/custom.asp?id=5357
APSATS Directory: https://www.apsats.org/specialists#!directory/map
DON’T Doom Scroll
As I alluded to in my introduction, finding out your partner is a sex addict often leads to a frantic google search. There is a lot of helpful information out there, but the problem is that there is also a lot of unhelpful information out there. In some cases, going into a rabbit hole of doom scrolling can be even more traumatic for you. However, that is not to say that it isn’t important to gain some education and understanding on this topic, because it definitely is.
DO Educate Yourself with Good Resources
Education on sex addiction and betrayal trauma can be very empowering for a betrayed partner and is also crucial to help you make sense of what is going on.
Here are some online resources that I recommend for common initial questions:
What is sex addiction?
How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?
What is betrayal trauma?
Here are some books that I recommend:
DON’T Make Major Decisions Immediately
Many times when people find out they have been betrayed, they understandably have an explosion of hurt and emotions that can sometimes lead them to make big decisions really quickly. If you have already done something that feels drastic, don’t worry, we can work with that. However, if you haven’t done anything yet, I would encourage you to not do something like file for divorce the next day or call everyone your partner knows to tell them what an awful person they are. This is different than making immediate changes for you to feel safe, which is a good thing. More on that below.
DO Immediately Put Into Place Boundaries that You Need to Feel Safe
While it is best to not make a major decision while you are completely dysregulated, it is important that you feel safe. Your therapist will immediately start helping you with these boundaries, but before even seeing a therapist, it is okay to ask for things that you need. Some examples of boundaries that you may need:
I need you to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) This should be a boundary for everyone!
I need you to sleep on the couch until I have a greater understanding of what is happening
I need you to go stay at your mom’s house for right now
I need you to cancel all extracurricular activities and come home immediately after work until I can talk to a therapist
And as an extra… DO Get a Full STI Panel
If your partner has acted out with other people, it is crucial to your health that you get a full STI Panel done. Schedule an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.
This blog post is a roadmap for just the very beginning of your healing journey. Finding a good therapist is important so that they can provide you with the rest of the roadmap and walk with you through the bulk of your healing journey. If you are a betrayed partner in California, I would love to help you build that roadmap to healing. If you are located outside of California, please use the links above to find someone to help you. Your healing should be a priority. You did not ask for this trauma to be dumped on you, but now that it has been, you deserve the best support you can get.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
