Unconscious Cues That Keep You Feeling Stuck
Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you’ve lost count of how many times you’ve tried to stop watching porn and simply feel confused about what is keeping you feeling stuck? I have certainly had these experiences multiple times. Before you get too excited about me delivering a singular solution to this problem, I’d like to clarify that there is no one action or counter-behavior that completely eradicates these problems from our lives. With that said, I’d like to share a tool with you that may help to increase your chances of getting unstuck and staying that way. The tool I would like to share with you is actually an ability you already have, but maybe you just haven’t tapped into it for the purpose of defeating porn. The ability I am referring to is embodying awareness of the environmental cues around you that produce triggers. Awareness of these cues alone is only half of this tool. Doing something to dismantle the environmental cues that keep you feeling stuck is the other half of fully utilizing this tool.
You may be asking yourself at this point, “What environmental cues are you talking about?” That is a great question, and here are some examples to consider:
A messy, disorganized living space
A messy, disorganized working space
Filling fridge and pantry with poor nutrition
Eating too much fast food
Looking at your phone first thing when you wake up
Lacking structure in your schedule
Reactively turning to T.V., video games, or social media in any moment of “free time”
Foregoing regular grooming practices
Continuing to spend time with others who may not encourage your overall well-being
The thing(s) you are thinking of right now that feels difficult to let go of but you know would be better to change in the long run
These are just a few examples of the environmental factors that may be helping to reinforce the perpetuation of the behaviors you want to stop so badly. This is another point in the conversation where I would like to clarify - There are likely really good reasons why we allow these environmental factors to invade our day-to-day lives. One of the crucial elements in changing these environmental factors is not to shame ourselves for them but rather to find out deep down what need or desire they are actually meeting. Validate that need/desire, and then find other more adaptive ways of meeting those needs. Validating our needs and desires and resolving to meet these needs in ways that work better for us will help us feel empowered to live the lives we want to live instead of leaving us feeling stuck in the behaviors we want to leave behind.
The work of accepting the needs and desires that are being addressed through the behaviors listed above (and behaviors that aren’t listed above that keep you feeling stuck) is work you can do with your Therapist, mindfulness meditation, journaling, and other self-insight exercises. These topics address more of the essential emotional aspects of recovery. However, for the sake of brevity and focusing on the topic of changing our environment to serve us better, I will digress from the deeper emotions topics.
To simplify the difference between these two equally important aspects of this conversation, you can think about the emotions work as the “why” and the behavior work as the “how”. Getting back to the “how,” now that we have identified some of the environmental aspects of life that may keep us feeling stuck, we have to find other things to do instead. Below, I will give an example of a list you can model your own environmental change plan after in a journal or piece of paper:
A messy, disorganized living space
What I can do to change this: Resolve to clean my living space this Saturday.
A messy, disorganized working space
What I can do to change this: Resolve to clean my workspace this Monday.
Filling fridge and pantry with poor nutrition
What I can do to change this: Commit to buying ingredients for one healthy meal I researched this week.
Eating too much fast food
Commit to eating one less fast food meal every two weeks for the next eight weeks.
Looking at your phone first thing when you wake up
Leave my phone on the other side of the room (or outside my room) before I go to sleep.
Lacking structure in your schedule
Purchase a physical calendar.
Reactively turning to T.V., video games, or social media in any moment of “free time”
Practice five minutes of mindful prayer or meditation prior to turning on a show, playing video games, or going on social media.
Foregoing regular grooming practices
Commit to showering, brushing my teeth, and doing other grooming practices before eating breakfast.
Continuing to spend time with others who may not encourage your overall well-being
Identify one group, friend, family member, or co-worker who might be a better support in this season of my life.
The thing(s) you are thinking of right now that feels difficult to let go of but you know would be better to change in the long run
Fill in the blank
To put the relevance of a list like this into context, consider the cycle of porn use you feel stuck in. While your environment is not the sole factor moving you toward porn, the continuation of problematic porn use implies that there is something about your environment that invites you to continue using porn in the ways that you are. Changing your environment to facilitate good things for yourself, such as a clean living space and a healthy diet, means taking ownership of the things you have control over. Try shifting your mindset from seeing yourself as subject to the power of porn to being empowered to do something different by changing what you can control in your environment. Again, changing your environment will not be the only necessary thing in your sustained recovery, but it will serve as a supplemental tool in your comprehensive recovery plan. Taking ownership of what you can change and finding the motivation to do so can be difficult - that is ok - begin to experience the difficulty of practicing change as a sign you are doing something right and that you are building something which will last much longer than the temporary relief experienced through porn.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
