A Tool to Help Your Partner Heal After Betrayal
How Do I Respond to My Partner?
Your partner has just found out about a secret you have been keeping. Perhaps it is an affair, pornography use, or other sexual behavior. You understand their hurt, and you find yourself feeling and showing remorse over the next few days, weeks, or even months. Then, something shifts in you where you find yourself tired and unable to respond compassionately. If this is you, you are not alone. Many individuals who were once able to have patience and refrain from getting defensive towards their partner, soon find it difficult to maintain that stance.
Maybe you have been doing everything you can to rebuild trust, but you find your partner is still very hurt. Something you must realize is that your partner may be experiencing what is called “betrayal trauma.” If this is true, they are needing to make sense of their world because the recent discovery has flipped them upside down. That means they are not crazy, but are in fact experiencing real emotions.
One practical way to help your partner heal is by following an acronym called “AVR,” which was created by the therapist Carol Juergensen Sheets also known as “Carol the Coach.” You can learn more about this in her book titled Help Her Heal, but we will discuss it briefly here. So, what is “AVR?”
Acknowledge, Validate, Reassure
A = Acknowledge the problem, challenge, and issue
Let’s say you return home after work at 7:30 PM, when you said you would be home by 7:00 PM, and your partner is upset. You can acknowledge the issue by saying something such as, “I see you are upset because I didn’t get home at the time I said I would.” This may help your partner feel seen and heard because you get the concern she is bringing up.
V = Validate the primary feeling
This is where you meet your partner where they are at by validating their feeling. You might say something like “it makes sense that me getting home late would upset you because of the secrets that I held in the past.” This is extremely valuable because it is you telling your partner that they make sense, and that this is not all in their head.
R = Reassurance of the changes you are making
This is where you can reassure your partner that you have been, and still are taking the appropriate steps to ensure you do not return to the behavior that hurt them in the first place. This could sound something like “I want to assure you that I am taking the steps necessary so that what I did in the past does not happen again. I am continuing to go to my weekly recovery groups, meeting with my therapist every week, and refraining from all communication with women/men by phone or text.” This can give your partner the sense that you are doing the work and taking your recovery seriously.
Putting all three components of “AVR” together (and following through with consistent action in your recovery) can not only help your partner heal, but it may be a necessary tool for you to resist responding in frustration or defense. Your partner is hurting, and while they may need additional outside help, you can be part of that equation.
It is always important to note that following a specific formula does not guarantee positive results, but this may help you and your partner take the next step toward healing. If you need further support helping your partner heal, and/or working through your own unwanted sexual struggles, a therapist at the Center for Integrative Change can help.
About the Author
Alex Primo is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Integrative Change. With training in EMDR and additional training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, he finds great joy in helping men break out of the cycle of unwanted sexual behavior, and helping couples restore trust and intimacy. When he is not seeing clients, he enjoys playing board games with his family, learning magic tricks, and rooting for the Dodgers.
