Empty Promises of Porn
Empty Promises of Porn
Do you ever wonder why you keep going back to porn? Despite your best efforts, somehow, you find yourself back in the throws of compulsive porn use. You are not alone, and there are likely some really good reasons why porn has become such a powerful entity in your life. To a certain degree, these reasons can be thought of as the empty promises of porn:
Promises of Intimacy
Promises of Nurturing
Promises of Power (empowerment)
Promises of Relief
Promises of Satisfaction
Promises of Adventure
Promises of Connection
Promises of Closeness
Promises of Enlightenment
The list could go on for much longer and may look quite different from person to person. However, the principle remains the same - porn is full of promises for all of us which, in the end, it cannot deliver on. Sure, porn may scratch the surface of these promises, but it will never be able to satiate the depths of our longing for these things to the degree that our mind, body, and soul truly desire. This is precisely one of the reasons we keep returning to it - because it keeps promising, and we keep believing it, but it never fully delivers, so we return for more.
Sometimes, it can be tempting to address our desire for the above-listed needs as the “weak link” in the chain of sobriety, and so that weak link is addressed by trying our best not to need any of those things, or at least pretend like we don’t. However, those needs in and of themselves are entirely appropriate; normal human needs if we are to move throughout this life with a sense of fulfillment, purpose, and community. So, this begs the question, “If these are legitimate needs, and porn has not worked to address them, then what do I do?” Our goal here is not to conflate our normal, appropriate human needs with our acting-out behaviors. Instead, what I am proposing is that we separate the two, validate those needs as they arise, and acknowledge that while porn promises it can meet those needs, at the end of the day, it just leaves us feeling in even greater need of those things. The act of validating the needs which have moved us toward porn in the past while acknowledging our actual use of porn as something different together provides a window of opportunity for us to do something different. For example:
You feel your need for intimacy - you reach out to your partner or a friend.
You feel your need for nurturing - you start attending a community group through your local church.
You feel your need for empowerment - you choose to exercise self-care.
You feel your need for relief - you give yourself permission to rest.
You feel your need for satisfaction - you take inventory of how you have arranged your life, say no to the things (or people) you do not want in your life, and invite that and those you do want in your life.
I think you get the idea…at the end of the day, one of the most beautiful things about recovering from unwanted or compulsive porn use is realizing that we do not have to rely on porn’s empty promises to have our needs met. Instead, we have access to tools, skills, and resources that help us see those promises brought to fruition on our own accord. You have what it takes, stop listening to the empty promises of porn. You can do this.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
