The Power of Healthy Power
The Power of Healthy Power
When you think of power, what comes to mind?
If you are like me, words like control, fear, stronger, louder come to mind.
Yet, my dad was a powerful presence in my life and he never raised his voice, never tried to control us, and was not scary. He was a man whom we respected and we could feel his respect for us.
I wondered about power, are there different versions of it? Adaptive vs maladaptive variations of power? Healthy vs unhealthy usage of power?
As a therapist, I was introduced to EMDR, and became certified in this trauma modality. I learned that there are 5 areas of vulnerability in childhood which form the basis of trauma, power is one of the 5. (the others are: responsibility, safety, choice and value). Clearly the use of power is impactful and its misuse potentially trauma inducing!
Most of us are all too familiar with the misuse of power and have not had enough healthy modeling of power. Most of us can identify at least one traumatic memory involving the misuse of power in our childhoods.
Today I would like to convey what healthy power is and how to find your way back to it. Whether you are in a disempowered place, where you live in a state of shame, invisibility, and a low sense of self, or whether you feel entitled to power and don’t understand why others do not respect you more (this is the grandiose presentation), this psychoeducation is for you:
Healthy power is knowing who you are: your thoughts, feelings and needs, and respecting yourself. Healthy power is knowing your rights as a human being and respecting the rights of others equally. Healthy power is understanding that you do not have control over other people’s choices. Healthy power is having physical, emotional and sexual boundaries and respecting the physical, emotional and sexual boundaries of others. Healthy power is understanding that you are no more right or wrong than another, you are equally entitled to your own subjective perspectives. Healthy power is based on collaboration, a sense of equality and mutual respect, it is not based on fear and control. Healthy power comes from a place of security and self-respect, not from a place of traumatic wounding.
How to Shift
In order to shift towards healthy power, you must be willing and curious to understand where your power stance came from. It involves taking responsibility for your past, triggers and wounds. It requires a strong commitment to healing. You must be willing to go deep, towards the inner child who was wounded, and work with a trauma trained therapist to heal it. When you discover the negative beliefs which fuel your power stance, and reprocess them through EMDR or other trauma modalities, you are set free to choose healthy power. Remarkably, you can be restored to your pre-wounded days, and return to respectful, collaborative power in relationships.
We were wired for connection as human beings, giving and receiving love is what we yearn for most. Healthy power is a strong foundation for loving relationships. Wishing you healing on your journey towards healthy power in your relationships!
Here are some additional resources on the topic of power:
Brenee Brown’s Ted Talk on the power of vulnerability: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o
Terry Real on relational joy: https://youtu.be/KLm06v0rpTE
4 types of power: What are power over; power with; power to and power within? | Sustaining Community
About The Author
Shoshana is a pre-licensed clinician supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
